I have a family member, one who has also had strong harsh opinions about my life and the way I live it. They had a family council about me and my hair. I am their example to their children on how not to be, how wrong I am. "Heavenly Father wouldn't approve of her hair." I have to say I am quite offend about it, I didn't expect them to like it or to even understand why I did it BUT to have discussions about whether I am a good person or not based on my appearance pisses me off. I makes me mad for obvious reasons but there is more to it.
I have avoided this topic for along time. Maybe because it is just too personal, maybe because of the judgements, maybe because of both. It is something I need to write about for me, to explain things to myself, and to remember what I have been feeling and why. I feel kinda like I'm having a mid-life crisis or more like I am rethinking me. A lot of my own choices and circumstances have majorly contributed to all of this but what it comes down it was I haven't been happy. I haven't been happy for a long time. I finally got tired of being the victim and I have started doing stuff about it.
One of the major things for me was rethinking my involvement in the church I belong to. Justin has never been motivated to go to church, I guess he believes, he just doesn't care to go or to follow the principles. It has always been a battle, we have never been on the same page and I went for 5 yrs by myself. I finally felt like it wasn't worth fighting for anymore. I just couldn't do, I couldn't be the only one caring. I went back to the basics, my basic beliefs and started thinking do I really believe all of the things I have been taught? No! I have followed it because it was expected of me and I was so tired of being a screw up I was desperate to do anything to please my parents. What happened is that I started becoming one of those church members I had despised growing up, judgemental, critical, hypocritical. I really did not like who I was and I can't be that person anymore. So I stepped back and decided that I could be a better person without the church. And I could be a good person without all of the other stuff. Now it is not like I am bitter or anti, I just have needed to reevaluate my heart and my intentions.
Some of my family has strongly emphasized that I am just not feeling the spirit, that if I went to church that I would believe. What is weird is that I am a much better Mom and our marriage relationship is sooo my better. I am happier then I have ever been. Just by taking the pressure of perfection out I feel better. I like the way I view things and I like me. I will always believe in God, and I will teach my kids that but the rest of it....who knows!
1 comment:
Oh girl, I so understand and feel your pain!
I am very proud of you, and wish your family could understand the amount of insight and courage it took to make the changes you did in your life.
I know what it's like to be the 'bad' example, the example of what NOT to do. My extended family uses me as a bad example for marrying outside of the church...but I know I didn't settle, and found someone that will probably take better care of me than someone I would have found that was a member.
I'm proud of you, think you're a GREAT person, and think you should let your sister have it.
Be strong, you know you're doing what's best for you and your family. :)
- Jess
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