My good friend Megs sent this to me and I want to share it... sometimes I need to remember what God sees in people not what everyone else sees.
A Baby's Hug
We were the only family with children in the restaurant. I sat Erik in a high chair and noticed everyone was quietly sitting and talking. Suddenly, Erik squealed with glee and said, "Hi." He pounded his fat baby hands on the high chair tray. His eyes were crinkled in laughter and his mouth was bared in a toothless grin, as he wriggled and giggled with merriment.I looked around and saw the source of his joy. It was a man whose pants were baggy with a zipper at half-mast and his toes poked out of would-be shoes. His shirt was dirty and his hair was uncombed and unwashed. His whiskers were too short to be called a beard and his nose was so varicose it looked like a road map.We were too far from him to smell, but I was sure he smelled. His hands waved and flapped on loose wrists. "Hi there, baby. Hi there, big boy. I see ya,buster," the man said to Erik. My husband and I exchanged looks. "Whatdo wedo?"Erik continued to laugh and answer, "Hi." Everyone in the restaurant noticed and looked at us and then at the man. The old geezer was creating a nuisance with my beautiful baby. Our meal came and the man began shouting from across the room, "Do ya patty cake? Do you know peek-a-boo? Hey, look, he knows peek-a-boo." Nobody thought the old man was cute. He was obviously drunk.My husband and I were embarrassed. We ate in silence - all except for Erik, who was running through his repertoire for the admiring skid-row bum, who, in turn,reciprocated with his cute comments.We finally got through the meal and headed for the door. My husband went to pay the check and told me to meet him in the parking lot. The old man sat poised between me and the door. "Lord, just let me out of here before he speaks to me or Erik," I prayed. As I drew closer to the man, I turned my back trying to sidestep him and avoid any air he might be breathing. As I did, Erik leaned over my arm, reaching with both arms in a baby's' "pick-me-up" position. Before I could stop him, Erik had propelled himself from my arms to the man's. Suddenly a very old smelly man and a very young baby consummated their love and kinship.Erik in an act of total trust, love, and submission laid his tiny head upon the man's ragged shoulder. The man's eyes closed, and I saw tears hover beneath his lashes. His aged hands full of grime, pain and hard labor cradled my baby's bottom and stroked his back. No two beings have ever loved so deeply for so short a time. I stood awestruck. The old man rocked and cradled Erik in his arms and his eyes opened and set squarely on mine. He said in a firm commanding voice, "You take care of this baby."Somehow I managed, "I will," from a throat that contained a stone. He pried Erik from his chest, lovingly and longingly, as though he were in pain. I received my baby, and the man said, "God bless you, ma'am. You've given me my Christmas gift."I said nothing more than a muttered thanks. With Erik in my arms, I ran for the car. My husband was wondering why I was crying and holding Erik so tightly, and why I was saying, "My God, my God, forgive me."I had just witnessed Christ's love shown through the innocence of a tiny child who saw no sin, who made no judgment; a child who saw a soul, and a mother who saw a suit of clothes. I was a Christian who was blind, holding a child who was not. I felt it was God asking,
"Are you willing to share your son for a moment when He shared His for all eternity?" The ragged old man, unwittingly, had reminded me, "To enter the Kingdom of God, we must become as little children."
It seems like so many of us struggle with the same thing that I am struggling with. Being a Mom is really hard and I think no matter how much I do I will feel overwhelmed or inadequate. I've had some amazing advise and I am going to save them in a file on my 'puter so that when I start feeling like this I can re-read. Thank you! I seriously bawled through everyone posts and personal emails, they all helped me so much!
I am struggling with all the responsibilities I am juggling. I don't know why it is hitting me so hard tonight, but I need to get it out of my mind and this is the best way for me to vent and for me to share what I am feeling. Being a mother is the most important thing in my life, the thing I have always wanted to be, the thing that gives me the will to live. It 's also the hardest thing I do, and lately I feel like a complete failure at it. I am so overworked, I have no time, no patience for my little kids. I watch them grow up so fast and I have all this regret, all of this pain. I am missing so much, I am losing all this time with them and it is so hard. In the same breath it is easy for me to dive into my work, easy to focus there because it is reward and you know what being a Mom is hard, it is damn hard and it takes everything out of me most days. I feel so overwhelmed, I feel like I am right at my breaking point. Overworked, sleep deprived. Justin says I do it to myself, which that statement alone pisses me off! I don't want to be the money maker, I don't want this responsibility. I have to work and some days I resent him for it. Do get me wrong, I love what I do, I am grateful for the amazing growth my business has had BUT there are some days where I just want to be the Mom, I want to get up take my kids to school clean the house and watch TV. I just want to be a normal Mom. But I know if I was back to that life, I would find something else to occupy my time, I would be doing as much as I am doing know. SO really what I need is a better method to juggle and divide my time. In the end I am doing the very best I can do. But is that enough? Will it ever be enough?
Yes that is how I feel about my kids right now. Halloween is suppose to be fun....not a day filled with complaints and melt downs. We went to 3 houses and Kase had already hit the wall, his legs hurt, he only wanted to go to his friends houses no one else. Macie had already had her melt down early in the day so luckily trick or treating was fun for her. But I just wanted to call it night. This is suppose to be about them isn't it? We go for them....seriously what's the deal?
Seriously this was better than Disneyland for the kids, it was calm, there where no lines, we had so much fun!
Seriously honey those glass have got to go!
I am so mean I pretended I was going on the scary boat ride and I snuck off before anyone noticed...they are all not so happy with me...I just didn't want to puke! This was the coolest ride, there were stop lights and stop sign and you had to stay on the correct side of the road!
We have this blog to track of our crazy life. We are not perfect, in fact we are quite the mess most days. BUT we try, try to love, try to not scream, try to find our way threw this life and hope in the end we make it!
I am sensitive, crazy, obsessive, addicted, a lover and a fighter, calm, moody, perfectionist, never satisfied, ever changing, loving, nutty, unique, insecure, a night owl, emotional, a mess, a victim, a bully, a control freak, wanting more from life, creative, crazy talent, a bad liar, imperfect, a mommy, a wife, a good friend, a photographer.