I have a family member, one who has also had strong harsh opinions about my life and the way I live it. They had a family council about me and my hair. I am their example to their children on how not to be, how wrong I am. "Heavenly Father wouldn't approve of her hair." I have to say I am quite offend about it, I didn't expect them to like it or to even understand why I did it BUT to have discussions about whether I am a good person or not based on my appearance pisses me off. I makes me mad for obvious reasons but there is more to it.
I have avoided this topic for along time. Maybe because it is just too personal, maybe because of the judgements, maybe because of both. It is something I need to write about for me, to explain things to myself, and to remember what I have been feeling and why. I feel kinda like I'm having a mid-life crisis or more like I am rethinking me. A lot of my own choices and circumstances have majorly contributed to all of this but what it comes down it was I haven't been happy. I haven't been happy for a long time. I finally got tired of being the victim and I have started doing stuff about it.
One of the major things for me was rethinking my involvement in the church I belong to. Justin has never been motivated to go to church, I guess he believes, he just doesn't care to go or to follow the principles. It has always been a battle, we have never been on the same page and I went for 5 yrs by myself. I finally felt like it wasn't worth fighting for anymore. I just couldn't do, I couldn't be the only one caring. I went back to the basics, my basic beliefs and started thinking do I really believe all of the things I have been taught? No! I have followed it because it was expected of me and I was so tired of being a screw up I was desperate to do anything to please my parents. What happened is that I started becoming one of those church members I had despised growing up, judgemental, critical, hypocritical. I really did not like who I was and I can't be that person anymore. So I stepped back and decided that I could be a better person without the church. And I could be a good person without all of the other stuff. Now it is not like I am bitter or anti, I just have needed to reevaluate my heart and my intentions.
Some of my family has strongly emphasized that I am just not feeling the spirit, that if I went to church that I would believe. What is weird is that I am a much better Mom and our marriage relationship is sooo my better. I am happier then I have ever been. Just by taking the pressure of perfection out I feel better. I like the way I view things and I like me. I will always believe in God, and I will teach my kids that but the rest of it....who knows!
Oh girl, I so understand and feel your pain!
ReplyDeleteI am very proud of you, and wish your family could understand the amount of insight and courage it took to make the changes you did in your life.
I know what it's like to be the 'bad' example, the example of what NOT to do. My extended family uses me as a bad example for marrying outside of the church...but I know I didn't settle, and found someone that will probably take better care of me than someone I would have found that was a member.
I'm proud of you, think you're a GREAT person, and think you should let your sister have it.
Be strong, you know you're doing what's best for you and your family. :)
- Jess